Notes From The Social Wild

Ever wonder what the socially avoidant (you know, the ones who’d rather be home sipping chamomile, snacking on baked chips, and bingeing tru-crime docuseries) are actually doing at gatherings? Well, if you must know, we're usually hovering near the snack tables, nodding like bobbleheads, tossing in the occasional "haha, yeah" with a dead-eyed smile, all while quietly observing the room like it’s the season finale of some bizarre reality show. We’re more like background extras with binoculars. People-watching. Weirdly compelling.

And when you assign yourself snack table duty, you start to notice things. Social oddities. Interactions that defy logic. A fair amount of stuff you’re not entirely sure how to process. And dips that raise more questions than answers. That’s when the overthinking kicks in, casual at first, until your brain starts compiling a list of questions no one asked you to ask. The kind even your most advanced internal search engines can’t process. Not even the mightiest GPT can save you now, brother.

Like: why is that guy low-key blessing the ma’amoul before eating it? Who let the relative play human Tinder between two strangers just trying to pour tea? Did that guy just greet me and slide a marriage proposal across the table like it’s Texas Hold ’em? Is that group over there comparing blood pressure readings like it’s a competitive sport? And why is the conversation shifting from skincare to conspiracy theories about Beyoncé’s Illuminati agenda without warning? Mostly Arab things, of course, because that’s the brand of social chaos I grew up with. But let’s be real, that kind of absurdity is universal, it knows no gender, no culture, no age, no zodiac sign… (I’m not above it either, none of us are safe!)

And soon enough, you reach the conclusion that sometimes, no matter how hard you try to decode the human species, no matter how much you observe, analyze, assess, or categorize, even with a degree in psychoanalysis, framed and hanging above your desk, you still wouldn’t understand why people do half the things they do.

So... using my "highly refined" observation skills for the great benefit of absolutely no one, I’ve decided to compile a list of some of the rituals that take place when people gather, things I’ve witnessed people do (for no bloody reason whatsoever) during my extensive work in the field (like attending social gatherings I didn’t want to be at). It’s completely subjective. And definitely unnecessary, but as the saying goes, when in doubt (or bored), judge silently and make content. Ready for this? Take notes not offense.

Field Research Journal: Notes from the Social Wild

Observer’s Status: Chronically overstimulated.

Objective: To document some of the strange little rituals that occur when humans gather in numbers greater than two.

1) The Selfie Hostage Crisis

Everyone squeezes tight, flashing peace signs and album cover poses (half-standing, half-crouching, you know the drill) until inevitably someone (okay, everyone) shouts, "let me see!" before any mortal can resume chewing. 

Note: The group pic waits for no jaw.

2) Infinite Goodbye Loop

Conversation slides to the exit, kicking off AT LEAST a fifteen-minute bonus round of random stories, awkward laughter, half-worn coats, restless feet, and a car engine quietly dying of boredom. Note: Act I: living room farewell. Act II: hallway recap. Curtain. Never. Drops.

3) From Shake to Cheek in 3, 2, 1…

It begins with a handshake, smoothly upgrades into a half awkward hug, and if chemistry aligns, seals the deal with cheek taps: one, two, three? (third time’s always the charm). Voila! Instant atomic bonding. Outsiders wonder why greetings now take a full minute (blame science dude). Note: Handshake + hug + cheeks = atomic level confusion.

4) The Great Debate

Mention football, travel, or baby names and watch the room split into mini-clusters, each debating passionately as though the UN called an emergency session. Yielding the floor is not an option, picking sides is mandatory, or the night simply won’t end. Note: These topics solve nothing, change no one’s mind, and will be repeated next week with the same level of yelling.

5) The Family Tree Forensics

That one auntie locks eyes like a hawk, drops two suspiciously casual questions, and five minutes later she’s mapped your entire bloodline and correctly guessed your autoimmune condition. Somehow, you’re now related to her neighbor’s cousin’s ex-fiancé, have 47 new cousins, 2 wedding invites, and absolutely 0 clue what just happened.

Note: Auntie needs exorcism.

6) The Humor Spike

A regular joke lands and you hear polite chuckles all around, until someone attractive walks in. Suddenly, that same joke becomes hysterical. Laughter volume triples, heads tilt back dramatically, and someone may or may not slap the table like they’ve heard the funniest thing since 2007. You’ve just witnessed evolutionary mating instincts disguised as a comedy club moment. Note: Evolution said "make them laugh louder when someone hot enters," and we’ve been performing ever since. 7) The Silent Snack Politics

One bowl in the center, four hands hovering, everyone waiting for the perfect moment to strike. Someone drops a distraction with a “did you hear about…?” and boom, chips secured. Bonus points if they take two and pretend one’s not for them. Note: Everyone’s pretending to be polite while mentally fighting over the last chip like it's The Hunger Games.

8) Musical Chairs

You walk into a gathering, and suddenly it’s musical chairs powered by good old Arab guilt. Someone stands up. You refuse. They insist. You beg. They fake offense. You cave. You sit. Everyone nods in approval. Or maybe in disapproval? You can't tell. No one is comfortable. Note: It’s never about the chair. It’s about honor, guilt and sacrifice. And just like that, we conclude today’s notes, ladies and gentlemen. Please collect your snack bowls on the way out, and if you’ve got thoughts, rants, or ritual sightings of your own, hit me up. Over and out!